October 5, 2012 Kansas City

Long story short (Oh. Right.  Like that's ever going to happen around here...) - - I signed up for a continuing legal education (CLE) seminar in downtown Kansas City today.  What was I thinking?  Did I forget that I get lost EVERY SINGLE time I drive in KC?  And that this has been the case since 1987?  And that it doesn't matter how many maps I have or how many times I rehearse the trip in my mind?  And that rush hour traffic makes me throw up a little?

I must have forgotten all of that, because at 5 a.m. I was on my way to KC hoping like hell that the 7 maps, the GPS, the hand written directions and the MapQuest directions would be enough to get me where I was going.

It was, in fact, enough.  Except for the GPS which was in the trunk of my car.  I don't know why.

Naturally, the first place I had to visit upon arriving an hour and a half early to the seminar was the ladies' room.  Naturally, I used the handicapped stall because, after all, I am handicapped.  Oh. Yes. I. Am. And I have the parking placard to prove it.

I thought it was interesting that this high dollar law firm on the 29th floor of a modern building in downtown Kansas City provided Lysol spray in the bathroom stall.  I mean, one can never have enough odor covering, bacteria killing spray in a bathroom stall, right?

But, later that day, I returned to the ladies' room and used a different stall.  This is important only because the "regular" stalls did not have Lysol spray in them.

What does this mean?

Only handicapped people do things in the bathroom that require Lysol?  That's really not very nice.  Maybe the Lysol budget has been cut and there can only be one can of Lysol per bathroom.  Instead of asking for toilet paper, the ladies just ask is someone can pass them the Lysol.

Wouldn't it be embarrassing if you were there, doing what you do, minding your own business, and all of sudden, a hand appears under the wall of your stall.  The hand is holding the Lysol can.  I would shit little green apples.

But I'd be in the right place.

October 4, 2012 Only Half the Story

Today was a great day.  Fall is in the air and the leaves are putting on their party clothes.  This tree is in our backyard and I spend every Fall watching it change from green to red to burgundy to orange to yellow. 

Clearly, the colorful journey has begun.

But, the fun stuff of the day happened late in the afternoon in my office.  VP Grant and Speaker of the Student Senate Emily came in and over the period of an hour or so laughed about my blog (they even quoted bits of it), showed me several crazy videos and.....wait for it.......

taught me about Twitter!

They had NO idea what kind of havoc they were unleashing on the world.  You'd think they'd be smarter than that after reading my blog and all.  I am not a responsible adult.  

I am "thecrazylawyer" on Twitter.  My very first tweet was "Bitch get your bare feet off my chair."  (Truth be told, Emily had her bare feet on my chair.  Further truth, she is NOT a bitch.)

My tweets are just like my blog, only more spontaneous and shorter.  They both lack the filter of good taste, so there's that added benefit.

October 3, 2012 New Kid on the Block

This charming young man is the vice president of the student body of Kansas State.  I've had the opportunity to chat with him several times over the past couple of days.  He's a hoot.  He's committed to the students of Kansas State and works long hours representing them.  Welcome to my blog, Grant.  You are in good company (sometimes....sometimes, not so much.)

As we all know, the vice presidents do all the work while the presidents get all the glory.  (Just kidding Nate/Nick.  You know that I think you work hard.  Sometimes.)

This is a true story, when I took this photo Grant was reading my blog! 

Now, here is something that is going to make you choke on your tongue.  With my new phone, I have learned how to download stuff and make ringtones.  "Monster Mash" is my ring tone and Winston Churchill telling me that we will defend our island no matter the cost plays when I get a text message.

That's all fine and good when my phone is in my purse or sitting on my desk.

But, it was in my pocket and I was in the ladies' room taking a break before driving home.  There I was minding my own business when out of nowhere came Sir Winston's voice.

Scared the piss out of me.

I was in the right place for it.

The end.

October 1, 2012 Because She's My Sister

If you were to see my sister in person, you would not believe that this is her all dressed up and ready to party.

Too bad about her front tooth, she knocked it out while chasing a parked car.  It was a sad day when she realized that losing that tooth was going to take a toll on her corn on the cob eatting.  A sad day indeed.  It took her a long time to pick out those glasses too.  She couldn't decide between these and blue cat eye frames.  I'm wondering if she made the right decision.

Baby was having a  bad hair day, so she donned her black fur hat.  I am telling you what, Baby was stylin'.

She could be a cover girl.

I am not saying for what magazine.

September 29, 2012 More Evidence of Kansas Craziness

I did not know that President Obama was the enemy of freedom.

That's all.

September 26, 2012 Tork vs.Torque

I love bathroom humor.  Who doesn't?  Be honest.  Who doesn't love bathroom humor?  I know you do because you are still reading.

Anyway.

Torque: a moment of force; force necessary to rotate an object about an axis.  I think this is a physics term.  I don't know because the closest I've ever been to physics is paying for Luke's physics textbooks.

Tork: in an unknown bathroom somewhere in Manhattan.  What exactly is the "moment of force"?  Is it when something comes out or when something is trying to be cleaned up?  There are just so many questions:  why would you name a toilet paper dispenser "Tork"?  Isn't the first thing people would think of would be "torque"?  Like in "torque wrench"?  I just don't get it.

I'm keeping my eyes open in bathrooms from now on, that's for sure.  There are a lot of funny things to see there.  And I am not talking about the mirror.

While I'm on the subject:  I was in the bathroom today and knew that someone was in the stall next to me.  I was doing my thing when I heard a voice in the next stall say "Hold on".

WHAT THE HELL?????

She was talking on the phone while I was peeing?

WHO DOES THAT?????

WHO TELLS THAT PERSON TO "HOLD ON"?

I must admit that after I heard that, I began making noises that gave both of those people nightmares.

My bet is that she will not talk on her cell phone in the toilet again.

September 22, 2012 iPhones Come to 901 Lilac Lane

When I made the leap to a Smart phone several years ago, the transition was not an easy one.  I liked the flip phone:  you opened it up, punched in a number and you were off!  How easy!  A trained monkey could get the hang of it and CB did.  (Just kidding.  He struggled a bit.)

About a month ago, my Droid Smart phone became possessed.  I tried several local exorcists, but to no avail.  Contacts appeared, then disappeared.  Apps were there, then gone.  Most of the time I was pissed off at it.  But, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.

Finally, I had enough and went to Verizon for help.  They brought out their best voodoo goddess who could not find my contacts or my photos or my apps.  It was time for a new phone.

I discovered that the iPhone 4 would be free.  FREE! And I would pay for only the accessories I desired.  That sounded good to me and thought I'd upgrade CB while I was there. 

Three and a half hours later (yes, that's what I said:  THREE AND A HALF HOURS) I left with 2 iPhones.  But, since it took so damn long, I got CB's phone AND accessories for free.  I saved a butt load of money. 

I didn't even have to throw a fit or yell or scream or channel my dad or anything.  I just sat there, crippled, with my hands folded in my lap, waiting patiently. 

Was to.

Check the security tape.